The Perils of Smelling like a Man
by fireglow4ever
Summary: Ryou, in a desperate attempt to become more manly, buys a container of Old Spice... and gets into a tricky situation. Seems the smell of Old Spice can turn people into crazy zombies! Dang, didn't see that coming! Crackfic, rated T for language.


**We've all seen the commercials for Old Spice, but have you really thought about what it means to smell like a manly man? I haven't a clue where this story came from in my convoluted mess of a mind, but I got some amusement out of it, and I hope you will too. Please review!**

* * *

"No!" Bakura screamed, throwing the bowl of chips at the TV screen. "How could you have dropped the ball! Ryou could have caught that pass for Ra's sake!"

Ryou sighed and went over to pick up the mess, "Relax Bakura, it's just a stupid football game."

"Blasphemy!" Marik retorted. "If the Samurai Blue's don't win this game, we've got no chance in the FIFA World Cup!" His teeth were gritted in a snarl and Marik probably would have thrown something at the screen too, if anything had been in reach.

Ryou rolled his eyes and walked out into the kitchen. He'd never understood why they liked football, and probably never would. Not only that, they insisted on coming over to his house to watch it, ruining the carpet with their outbursts of joy and anger.

"YES!" Bakura yelled, followed by a whoop from Marik.

There was a loud splash and they both went quiet. "Uh oh..." Marik said.

"Now you did it," Bakura said, "Ryou's gonna kill you!"

"I'm not telling him!"

"How are you gonna hide it? It's as plain as the hair on Yugi's head!"

"Umm..."

Ryou walked out of the kitchen, scowling. There was nothing more they could do to the carpet, and the coffee table was glass so that meant...

"My couch!" Ryou screeched, running into the living room. "What did you do to my couch?"

"What are you talking about?" Marik asked, his arms over the top of the couch and leaning towards Bakura, "Nothing wrong at all with this couch. Nope, not at all!" He gave him a reassuring smile. It didn't fit well on Marik's face. "Right Bakura?" he said, looking over at the white haired teen.

Bakura looked distinctly uncomfortable, probably because Marik was nearly sitting on him. Marik slapped the back of Bakura's head, "Right Bakura?"

"Yes."

"See!" Marik grinned at Ryou, "Nothing wrong at-"

His sentence was cut off when Ryou grabbed his ear and dragged the blonde to the other end of the couch. "Owowowowow!" Marik whined, "Easy!"

Ryou let go and glared at the stain, his worst fears realized. "I'll get the cleaning supplies," he grumbled before walking away.

Marik rubbed his sore ear and looked over at Bakura. "That wasn't so bad."

"Do you really think he's getting the stain remover?" Bakura asked, smirking, "I bet he's getting a knife."

"He wouldn't want to get blood on the furniture," Marik pointed out.

His friend thought about it for a moment, before nodding at Marik's reasoning. "Good point," Bakura admitted.

The blonde nodded and turned back to the TV where a KIA ad was playing, "I hate these commercials," he scowled, "We're here to watch football! If I want to look at a bunch of cars, I'll watch NASCAR."

"Why would you do that? I'd rather go to a car lot and steal one."

"Nice!" Marik grinned, giving Bakura a fist pound.

Ryou walked back in and flopped down on the end of the couch. His yami glanced over at him, "Where's your cleaning supplies, nanny?"

The younger just glared at the TV, "Screw it, it's never going to come out."

"Ooooo!" Marik said, cackling, "I made him mad now!"

"Shh!" Ryou hissed, "I want to listen!"

"Why? It's a commercial," Marik asked.

"Yeah, and it's more fun to watch than football!"

The two older boys choked, making garbled sounds as their mouths flapped in astonishment. "Shut up!" Ryou yelled, "Before I _do _get a knife!"

Marik froze and looked over at Bakura, the message clear. _How did he know what we were talking about?_

Bakura shrugged and turned back to the TV.

On screen, a muscled black guy was standing in a bathroom, "Hello ladies," the man said, "Look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but if he stopped using lady scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he's me. Look down. Back up. Where are you? You're on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What's in your hand? Back at me. I have it. It's an oyster with 2 tickets to that thing you love. Look again. The tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I'm on a horse."

Bakura looked over at Marik and the two burst out laughing. "That was so weird!" Marik cackled, holding his sides, "Now I know why Ryou likes watching commercials!"

"How would that ad ever make anyone want to buy Old Spice!" Bakura grinned, shaking with mirth.

When their laughter finally eased, Bakura looked around, a puzzled expression on his face. "Where's Ryou?"

"Huh?" Marik looked next to him and noticed for the first time the seat was vacant. "Probably a call of nature," he said shrugging.

Just then, the front door slammed open and Ryou walked in, grinning. "It was a battle," he said dramatically, before flourishing a container of Old Spice, "But I got one!"

The two were silent for a moment, looking from Ryou's triumphant face to the container of Old Spice. Marik quickly fell back into hysterics, but Bakura managed to reign in his amusement and contented himself to smirking. "Why, exactly, did you get that?"

"If I can't look like a man, I'm going to smell like one!" Ryou explained. Marik looked over at his friend with an impressed expression and nodded. Hard to argue with that logic.

The young teen grinned, "It smells really good, here."

Ryou tossed it over to them and Bakura caught it on reflex. He looked at it for a moment with a raised eyebrow. "I'd rather not."

"Pansy," Marik muttered, snatching it from his friend's hand. He popped the cap off and took a deep whiff. The blonde's eyes grew wide and he started sniffing it with a gusto normally found in crack-heads.

Bakura's curiosity got the better of him and he reached for the deodorant. Marik wouldn't let go. "Give it Marik!"

"No!" the blonde whined.

Eventually, Bakura got it away from him and inhaled the scent. His eyes went blank and they slowly wandered over to Ryou. "Did you already put some on?"

"Yeah, why?"

A predatory smile stretched over Bakura's lips, "Perfect."

* * *

Ryou's breathing was coming in sharp gasps as he ran down the sidewalk, barely noticing where he was going. Bakura and Marik had gone insane! Well, even more insane than usual! Ryou glanced behind him and saw the two were following, still far behind but getting closer with each stride. When his yami saw him looking, Bakura called out, "Come back Ryou! We're not gonna hurt you!" His words were undermined by the crazy laughter that followed.

Not watching where he was going, Ryou ran into someone, knocking them both on the ground. "Ryou?" the person asked in surprise.

"Yugi?" Ryou looked at the teen in trepidation. "You're not going to attack me are you?"

"You got the Old Spice, too?"

Ryou nodded, "Come on," he said, pulling Yugi to his feet and dragging him along, "Marik and Bakura are after me."

"Yami and Grandpa," his friend said simply.

"Lucky, at least your stalkers aren't crazy!" Ryou said.

Yugi shuddered, "That's what you think!"

Suddenly, Yugi started tugging Ryou in another direction. "I know how to get away from them!"

"How?"

"Trust me," Yugi called over his shoulder, "I _am_ the King of Games after all!"

Ryou rolled his eyes. Yugi'd been milking that title ever since Duelist Kingdom. "I thought Yami was," the pale hikari said.

Yugi was silent for a long moment (well, actually, he was puffing like a tea pot) before he spoke, "It doesn't matter right now."

The white haired teen smirked in a manner similar to his yami, but didn't needle his friend any further. Partially because he was short of breath, but mostly because the group of deranged deodorant-sniffers were starting to catch up with them.

Yugi dragged him down a side street and stopped in front of a tall, wooden fence. "This was your brilliant idea?" Ryou panted, glaring at his spiky-haired friend.

"Chill man!" Yugi huffed in a way that usually got him beat up by the many Domino High bullies, or occasionally, by Joey and Tristan. "Yami and I loosened two of the boards."

"Why?" Ryou asked.

Yugi rolled his eyes. "The retirement home's on the other side. Grandpa says he needs to know he can escape when they pull out the euthanasia."

Ryou nodded. That sounded like the paranoid old man Yugi called Grandpa. Yugi sighed deeply, "Now he's complaining about the lack of security!" The crazy-haired teen pried his slender fingers under two boards and lifted them up a few feet, his skinny arms trembling with the effort. "You go first. Hurry!"

Ryou wriggled through the gap and held the boards up for Yugi. His friend was halfway through when he was jerked back. Yugi stuck out his arms and gripped the fence. "Don't just stand there! Help me!" he yelled, glaring at Ryou.

The white haired teen dropped the boards (Yugi squeaked a bit when they hit his back) and gripped one of Yugi's arms and pulled as hard as he could, but his friend kept slipping back.

Yugi's free hand reached into his pocket and he pulled out his container of Old Spice. "Here, take this!" he said, holding it out to Ryou.

"Why?" Ryou grunted as he struggled to keep his hold on Yugi's arm.

"Read the label. There might be a clue on it about how to stop them!"

"This is sounding more and more like a bad zombie movie!" Ryou said, growling under his breath as his friend was dragged back a little farther.

Yugi thought about it for a moment, then his eyes widened. "You're right! I mean, we're immune to it, and everyone else is crazy! That happens every time a zombie is involved!"

"Too bad we don't have guns."

"We don't need guns!" Yugi said, his expression reminding Ryou of Tea's face before she gave a friendship speech. "We have children's trading cards!"

Ryou rolled his eyes and groaned. "That, Yugi, is why you'll be the first to die!"

Ironically, that was the moment the group on the other side of the fence pulled harder, tugging Yugi's arm out of his grip. Yugi's wild hair got stuck for a moment, but the teenager was quickly pulled away. Ryou reached for his friend, but was to late. The only thing he managed to grab onto was the stick of deodorant Yugi believed held the answer to defeating their deranged companions. "Yugi!" Ryou screamed in horror, hearing high-pitched cries of pain on the other side of the fence.

Two pale hands gripped the top of the fence and Bakura pulled himself up, grinning down at his hikari. "Ryou!" he smiled, a psychotic note in his voice (and in his eyes, but that was normal), "Stop running away! You know we're going to catch you."

Ryou whimpered softly, before running through the peaceful retirement home screaming his lungs out. He rounded the corner of the building and ran right into a large, elderly picnic. They were all staring at the sweaty, wild-eyed boy who'd staggered into their boring routines holding a small container of deodorant. "Please help me!" Ryou pleaded, "I'm being chased by crazy people and they're going to kill me!"

There was a collective, incredulous blink from the assembled seniors. "What's that smell?" one of them asked, eyes lidded in ecstasy.

"Oh, come on!" Ryou yelled at the sky, "Can't I get a break here!"

In answer, Bakura, Yami, Marik, and Grandpa all came running onto the scene. Marik was holding a dismembered arm aloft and grinning crazily. _Oh my god! _Ryou thought, _They tore off Yugi's fucking arm! This is a zombie movie!_

"Marik! Share!" Grandpa whined, grabbing onto his grandson's arm and yanking on it.

"No!" Marik yelled at him, jerking it back, "Go back and get your own!"

Bakura shook his head at his companions as Yami tried to chew on the prized arm while it was being pulled back and forth. Ryou's yami turned back to him and grinned, "Told you running away wouldn't help."

Ryou gaped at Bakura, backing away as his yami started stalking closer. The flustered hikari held up the container of Old Spice still clenched in his sweaty fingers and red the label, praying for something to be there to save his life.

"... Glide product on... Use daily... Don't apply to broken skin... Keep out of reach of children... Ingredients... God damn it, there's nothing on here!" Ryou shouted in frustration. He looked up and saw all the seniors were standing now and walking towards him with a blank look on their faces. Ryou's back bumped into the wall and he screwed his eyes shut, holding a hand protectively in front of his face. What a way to die! Torn apart by his friends and old people because he wore Old Spice!

After a minute, Ryou peaked from between his fingers at the crowd of murderous sniffers, realising they hadn't moved. Ryou dropped his hands and saw that their eyes all followed the container of Old Spice. Even Marik and Grandpa had abandoned their fight. Yami was watching the deodorant with wide eyes, drooling all over the appendage that had once been connected to his hikari's body. Ryou waved his hand back and forth and watched their eyes follow it. The situation would have been comical if the white haired teen wasn't scared half-to-death.

"You see the stick? You want the stick?" Ryou asked, wagging the deodorant around playfully. The seniors looked very excited, and even Bakura had a big grin plastered over his face. "Go get the stick!" Ryou shouted, throwing it as far as he could away from where he wanted to run. They all ran after the Old Spice, clawing and clamoring over each other to try and get it. In the chaos, Ryou slipped away. He ran back to the fence and squeezed through the hole. Not looking at the twisted mass that was once Yugi's body, he took off towards his house, an idea forming in his head about how to save himself from this strange situation. Wheezing and coughing, Ryou staggered into his house and rummaged around for his car keys. Snatching them up, he ran back outside and looked down the street, seeing that the crowd of senile sniffers and his crazed friends had abandoned the Old Spice container and were after him again.

Ryou ran over to his Prius and got in. It took him a while to start the engine since he was shaking so badly he couldn't get the key in the hole. He finally started the car and pulled out. Before he could drive off though, Marik jumped onto the windshield and Yami started beating the passenger window with Yugi's dismembered arm. Ryou quickly locked all the doors before they could realize they were open and pressed his foot to the gas, screeching off down the street. Marik was still clinging to the window, and was now licking it. Ryou stared in disgust at what the mad blonde was doing and turned on his windshield wipers.

"Hey!" Marik protested, his voice slipping through the cracks in Ryou's passenger side window, "Knock it off! Ow!" Marik was waving a hand at the wiper, trying to make it stop hitting him. Ryou took a sharp turn and Marik tumbled off, earning himself a nice road-rash.

Looking around, Ryou could see that all sorts of people had succumbed to the powers of Old Spice. People were running around all over the place, chasing those who'd bought the deodorant or killing those who'd already put it on. Ryou glanced in his rear-view mirror and saw Bakura's car was in hot pursuit. The Mustang quickly pulled up next to his Prius and Bakura winked over at him (Yami, Grandpa, and Marik waved at him), before ramming into Ryou. The young hikari struggled to keep control of his vehicle as Bakura continued to ram into it. Thinking quickly, Ryou slowly decelerated and so did Bakura, staying next to him. Ryou waited for his turn, still being jostled by his yami. Then Ryou suddenly sped up and turned in front of the Mustang, leaving Bakura driving straight while Ryou stayed on course for the beach.

Ryou skidded to a stop, his smoking Prius wheezing to a halt. The white-haired hikari jumped out and ran towards the water, glancing behind him as he heard Bakura's Mustang pull up. Ryou splashed into the water and desperately started washing the smell of Old Spice from his underarms. When Bakura finally reached him, the scent was gone. His yami grabbed Ryou's wet shirt and dragged him closer. "Wait! Wait Bakura!" Ryou cried out, "It's gone! I don't smell anymore! It's gone!"

Bakura paused for a moment and gave a tentative sniff. The yami's eyes widened in surprise and he pressed his nose against Ryou, making the hikari squirm. "Stop!" Ryou giggled, "That tickles!"

The white-haired yami pulled back and groaned in disappointment, "He's clean!"

The others all moaned and started splashing away dejectedly, Yami half-heartedly chewing on Yugi's arm. Bakura started walking away too when Ryou tackled him into the water. The yami quickly pushed the boy off of him and sat up, spluttering, "What the hell?"

"Are you still crazy?" Ryou asked, staring at him.

"What are you talking about? What happened to the football game?"

Ryou grinned and hugged him tightly, "Yay! You're back! I'm not going to die!"

"What in Ra's name is wrong with you?" Bakura asked pulling back with a baffled look on his face.

So Ryou told him what had happened, from the first chase to how they'd gotten to the beach. Bakura's look continued to grow more and more skeptical with every word. "So," Bakura said, staring at his hikari, "you're telling me that, after smelling deodorant, Marik, the Pharaoh, that old man, and I went crazy, tried to kill you, succeeded in killing Yugi, and now the entire population of Domino is killing each other over this Old Spice?"

Ryou nodded, "I know it sounds far-fetched, but it's true!"

"Riiight," Bakura said, "If I'd known getting something spilled on your couch would make you go over the rainbow, I'd have put down some plastic!"

Just then, a bus road by on the road. It was filled with seniors and one of them was holding a dismembered leg aloft out the window and shouting, "Woohoo!"

Bakura and Ryou stared open-mouthed as the bus passed and slowly looked at each other. "Okay," Bakura said, his voice squeaking a bit, "That was unexpected."

"But convenient," Ryou said, standing up, "Come on, let's find you something to plug your nose so you don't lose your mind again."

A search of a nearby yard yielded just what they needed. Ryou snatched the basket of clothespins from the clothesline and handed one to Bakura, who reluctantly put it on his nose. "What are we going to do now, Bakura?" Ryou asked.

The yami thought for a moment, then smiled, "Well," he said nasally, due to the clothespin clamped on his nose, "We're going to need waterguns, clothespins..." he trailed off, throwing an arm casually around Ryou's shoulders, "and some bait..."

* * *

_One month later..._

"Why am I always the bait!" Ryou whined, stalking into his house angrily. It had been turned into a refuge for every person who'd been lifted from the spell of Old Spice.

"Because you're the only one who can walk around without a clothespin on your nose," Bakura said, walking in behind him, "Do you know how suspicious it looks when someone walks around with a clothespin on their nose?"

Ryou grumbled under his breath and flopped down on the stained couch, ignoring the latest person they'd cured. Bakura and Marik could tell Yami what had happened. "Where's Yugi?" the Pharaoh asked.

"You killed him!" Bakura said cheerfully, enjoying his rival's shocked expression.

"That can't be!"

Ryou turned around and glared at them, "I recall Marik and Grandpa helped too."

Bakura glared at him before shrugging, "You still did it!"

Yami sank down into one of the kitchen chairs and stared at his hands. "H-how did I regain my senses?" he asked finally.

"Well, that's the fun part!" Bakura grinned, waving around the watergun he held, "What we do is we lure the zombies with Ryou, who has generously opted to be our bait-"

"Have not!" Ryou shouted at him, "You hold me down and put that damn Old Spice on me against my will!"

"Like I said," Bakura continued, "Ryou courageously opted to be our bait. Then, when a zombie shows up, we tackle him and spray water up his nose!" The white haired yami rubbed his watergun fondly, "It's like an enema for your nostrils!"

"Then we put a clothespin on their nose," Marik cut in, grinning, "Viola! No more zombie!"

"But, what caused all this?" Yami asked.

Ryou turned on the TV, where the Old Spice commercial was running non-stop. "That guy, Isaiah Mustafa, was trying to take over the world," Ryou explained, indicating the handsome black man, "Apparently, the scent of Old Spice was supposed to put everyone under his control. Needless to say, it didn't go as planned."

"Huh," Yami said.

Seto Kaiba scowled at the screen from where he sat in Ryou's arm chair. "I'd sue him if I hadn't eaten my lawyer," he muttered crossly.

Yami looked around at the other survivors, "How many people are here?"

"Too many," Ryou growled under his breath.

"I think you're the thirteenth," Marik said, counting on his fingers, "Yeah, you're the thirteenth."

The spiky-haired yami shook his head, "I can't believe I helped kill Yugi!" Yami said.

Ryou shrugged, "Don't worry about it. Seto killed half the people in Kaiba Corp. before we found him."

Kaiba glared over at the hikari, but didn't comment.

Ryou stood up and walked over to the window, looking out at the post-Apocalyptic world. The horror he'd felt for the first two weeks had gradually worn off, and now Ryou was more concerned with keeping the windows clean than survival. Eventually, all the zombies would kill themselves and life would continue, but until then, Ryou was stuck with a house full of people who didn't give a rip about the cleanliness of his home.

_Snap._

_Fizz. _

"Shit!"

Ryou turned around and saw that Marik had spilled a Coke all over his once-white couch. "MARIK!" Ryou shouted, "I'm going to kill you, you bastard!"

Bakura smirked and lay down on the stained sofa. After a long day of hunting zombies, it was nice to relax and listen to the sound of feet running around on the second floor, Marik's apologetic cries, and his hikari screaming expletives even he didn't know. He closed his eyes sighed. Armageddon was surprisingly enjoyable.

"I'm on a horse."

Bakrua opened his eyes and glared at the TV. Now, if only that damn commercial would stop playing and some football would come on!

* * *

**Better review, or I'll tell Ryou you spilled grape juice on his couch! Please tell me if I have any grammar or spelling mistakes. Constructive critisism is always welcome!**


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